Need Love Just As Much As Air

I've touched on this so many times but I feel it to my core so much I could scream it. I haven't updated because I'm in school but I also crave privacy now. I get a sense of peace knowing other people don't constantly know how I feel or what is happening in my life. I've thought about getting rid of my blog altogether but I know deep down that will never happen. It's a piece of me that I'll cherish forever.

I have reached a place in my healing where I am now pursuing a Psychology degree and will have a Master's Degree when I'm done. This still terrifies me to my core but I know more than anything I can do this. I've always wanted to become a therapist and help others but I never thought I'd heal enough to get to a point of being able to. It definitely won't be easy, especially being a single mom. I just finished some assignments and Eddie is curled up on the couch with me because even at 5 almost 6 years old he doesn't sleep through the night. Taking three versus two classes this semester is kicking my ass. I feel like I never get a break or a moment to breathe. Taking three classes has to become a must or it will take even longer for me to finish school while working full time and it already feels like it's a million years. I did the math and am working 41 hours a week, doing 32 hours a week worth of school on top of my mom and personal duties. BUT, even with all of this I have managed to continue my self-work with my books and have only missed working out on days when homework or Eddie needs my attention more. I am still fighting through exhaustion and creating the life we deserve. There are still days when I question it all and wonder if I'm insane for pursuing school this late in life but then something happens and I remember why I started this path in the first place.

I'm rebuilding relationships that were broken and setting boundaries with relationships that are no longer serving me. I had therapy yesterday and got more clarity and reassurance that even though the path I'm on isn't easy I'm going down the right one. So many things are still changing but the direction we're on is one I never thought I'd get to. For that, I will be more grateful when the end comes.

I actually wrote the above post weeks ago and once again am running out of memory. So for now my posts won't have photos until I find a site that better fits my needs and get everything moved over to the new site. I'm done having this hinder when I write and publish it. So I'm going to adapt which has been a big theme of therapy right now. Eddie is kicking ass still. We added a medication to his list and may be adding another one but I'm treading that water very carefully. We both got genetic testing done and thank god Eddie didn't get my MTHFR mutation. If you aren't familiar with what that is, here is a brief explanation. If you have that mutation your body does not convert folic acid into its active form which means you don't create neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. So I am on a supplement to help my body produce those neurotransmitters. Sometimes I want to have a conversation with people from my past including my ex-husband then realize there is no point. Every breakup (Not just romantically) has two sides to it and everyone close knows why I left my ex-husband and nothing would have changed that but, I was also at my worst when him and I were together. He didn't have it easy either and had to deal with the most broken version of myself there was and there is credit there for that. I didn't discover why certain things happened at the end went the way they did till I dug deeper into the healing part of my journey. But hashing out and explaining my behavior won't fix anything so I keep it to myself. Other relationships have grown healthier because of those conversations so I'm giving myself grace in knowing who gets that information and who does not.

I'll figure out this blog dilemma soon but regardless I will be writing more. 27th Ketamine infusion in two weeks and I'm anxiously waiting for that reset.