My brains on fire

Nobody tells you when you heal that the new version of yourself will fight with the old broken one. How being in the middle of that battle and transition can be exhausting and a lot, but here I am in the depths of it.

I recently laid something on the table and depending on how this decision goes will determine my future in a lot of aspects. I want so badly for it to go the way I laid it out but a part of me also isn’t sure if that’s what’s truly best or in store for me. I tend to give and give even when I’m not receiving anything in return. I’m learning a lot about attachment styles and the way our brains work. I have an anxious attachment style and am an empath. I feed off others emotions and crave a kind of love that doesn’t really exist anymore and that’s a hard pill to swallow. To me loving someone should be easy and as simple as a yea I choose you but I’m realizing how off that is. Nothing is black and white.

I have this deep need to run in my soul but I can’t run right now. I have to keep my feet planted and face everything coming my direction. Finish school and prove to myself I can accomplish my dreams…. When I do finally move again it’s gonna be far and a warm place. Somewhere where we can truly build a life for ourselves and I can excel at life as a therapist, mom, significant other and still be who Haley truly is.

We went on a small vacation and to say I needed it would be an understatement. I could feel my soul lighting up the light in me sparking brighter. The future is unknown right now and a little scary but damn so bright. Scary means I’m doing something brave and at least I know regardless of what decision is made I know I threw myself 100% at it and fought like hell. Time to trust the universe and have faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to 💫

Go for a drive and let the wind blow in your hair and truly let go sometime this week. Watch the sun rise and set and how the darkness turns truly beautiful once it lets go. Dance it out to your favorite song and not just dance but feel the music because life is short and the darkness creeps in before you know it. Hold onto the moments when the world slows down and you are happy no matter what is happening.