January 19, 2023

If you're reading this it's way after I wrote it. One of my goals this year was to cut out social media which has done wonders for me. It was a balance on deciding if I wanted to continue posting here or write and just share later and ultimately that's what I decided. It's not just the taking a break from social media it's also learning some privacy while I go through these adjustments in my life. I'm 30 now and that brought a lot of awareness and lessons in a good way. I never thought I'd make it to 30 so now that i have I need to push through the uncomfortable feelings of change and where I am headed.

Still fighting through therapy and doing all I can on my side to continue healing and becoming the best but true me. I decided no more dating or sex till April at the soonest. That will mark a year for no sex and being single for me and I realized I needed that. I need to be Haley without someone and learn to be okay with who I am. April was rough last year and it's going to be better and different this year. I can look in the mirror and be happy almost every day. When I do get sad it's not exactly missing one particular person it's missing just having someone there. One of my favorite movies has a situation where a girl couldn't physically touch the person she loved and I'm learning (Kinda) how important physical touch from another human being is. I can't tell you the last time someone just held me and that is hard some days. It's needed almost as much as the air we breathe. So if you have it...... Have someone you can hold do it. Just stop everything and hold them for a second because I know I'm not the only person in the world who craves it and can't have it.

I've slacked at the gym and physical stuff but to say I'm good all the time would be a lie. These last two weeks have been incredibly hard. Eddie is sick a lot and his behavior isn't easy. We have Psychological testing the next two months and I'm excited but nervous as to what that is going to bring. No matter what comes up I'll fight till I am dead for my kiddo to be healthy and have a better life. Healing yourself while taking care of a kid is the hardest thing I've ever done. Today I had therapy and she was like I know you are carrying a lot of weight and it's heavy and I lost it. I sat there and just cried. When she asked where I'm at I said I"m tired. I am exhausted and frustrated with life which makes me mad because I"m so much farther than I thought I'd ever be but it's still so hard and I just don't know if it will ever get easier.

I work at least 48 hours straight at lest twice a week and 96 hours straight at least once a month. No yes for some of those I'm working from home and get a break but it's exhausting. Eddie's bad days where I loose my shit has a huge emotional toll one me. My health and his plus the rest of our life that weighs on us. So she's right it's heavy and a lot but it's nothing compared to stuff I've been through already. She pointed out my self awareness again, which helped me see all that I am realizing and changing and I hope she realizes how much that does for me.

Eddie had a good day today and even with my breakdowns the last two weeks we had an amazing night. His behavioral issues are hard and a struggle but man this kid is pure light. He protects me with all he has and makes anyone laugh in the perfect moments. I'm blessed even with everything else that I'm who gets to hold him as he drifts to sleep. I know how to handle his melt downs and how he likes his food. I understand the way his brain works better than anyone. I'm the luckiest mom in the world.

Lots of growing and change going on over here and having some privacy is just what we need right now. It's also crazy who comes around when you stop posting. You learn who cares and who doesn't real quick. January has been a challenge but I can tell it's going to be a really good year. I hope everyone else is also having a good life.

We don't have a ton of photos because well life and I'm the only one who really pushes to take them. I also am struggling so much with how I look so the last thing I want to do is take photos of myself..... But our first christmas where I was fully 100% single and not looking. Just Eddie and me and it was the best one yet so these pictures I don't really tear myself apart. I just smile and picture how amazing that moment was.