If they wanted to, they would

I've always read that if they wanted to they would, especially lately. It's all over the internet and constantly in my face. Romantically or in friendships, I'm learning how accurate this is. I've lived in Idaho for two years and very few of my people have come to visit me. I've begged and begged for love and been given crumbs while pouring into a glass till I had nothing left. Even when I had nothing left I was still pouring and it almost killed me.

I've been talking about how the urge to run is strong but the universe keeps proving time and time again why I should stay in Idaho, and it happened again. I sent one last text on July 16, saying that I would no longer beg or push Darren to love me or pick me. I had been having an internal battle the last couple of months that I thought I could push aside. The old broken Haley wanted to hold onto him till he woke up and the healed Haley who knows her worth and what she deserves desperately wanted me to walk away. There was an actual war happening inside my head. Not just about Darren but allowing myself to admit out loud that I deserve better and so much. That anyone who can go long periods without talking to me doesn't truly care about me. I'm at the healing part of my life where I finally am starting to love myself again and know exactly what I deserve. For someone who is used to chaos, it feels like an itch you can't scratch. I had to get over the fear of being another guy's GWB or another guy's the one that got away. But just like my tattoo says "Let Them". It's time to really let go and let other people do them and if they lose me it's their loss, not mine.

On July 18, I matched with a guy who has been able to keep me in conversation which is not an easy task. He was patient till I had a day free to actually go out and not stress about the kids. I don't go on dates when I have Cisna because I don't get her all the time anymore and sometimes I get scared and bail on them (I know it's not a nice thing to do). I took the chance and went out today and to have a man actually care and try was a nice change. This man took me out to the lake and once we got out to a floating dock he set up a whole picnic for us; then in between the picnic, we rode the jet ski. We laughed and just enjoyed the time together. He asked to kiss me before doing it and is willing to be patient till I have time to go out again.

The thing is, when a woman gets quiet, it typically means she's done. Her being quiet is more dangerous than anything. The moment she stops caring that you don't pay attention to her you are in trouble. The minute I leaned into the healed part of me and stopped letting the broken parts be in control it was like a light switch went off and I no longer cared if he wanted to talk to me or not.

This healing journey is nuts and has so many ups and downs but I'm making huge progress. It's only up from here, even on the dating front.