Deja Vu

TMI - Bodily details

Yesterday was a day I didn't expect to happen, but most crazy days end up like that. I'm still processing and kinda numb but trying with everything in me to stay positive. Five years ago before I had Eddie I received a call that I had an abnormal pap smear and needed to get a biopsy done. I went and had the biopsy and learned I had cancerous cells in my cervix and that if I wanted a baby it was time to do so in case it wasn't an option in the future. My ex-husband and I immediately tried for a baby and my miracle came 8 months later. Getting pregnant wasn't easy for me and I'm sure the whole ordeal didn't help. Lucky for me after delivering vaginally my cells returned to normal. My son has saved me, in so many ways but physically he saved my life.

Wednesday night I found a lump down there that hadn't been there before but I wasn't entirely sure when it had appeared. Not being sexually active for over a year can make you a little less aware of what's happening down there. I called my OB's office Thursday morning and they told me to come in immediately with my history. I took my lunch early and went in, hoping it was a cyst or clogged gland. I explained it to the doctor and also showed a photo. She also thought it was a clogged gland. She began the exam and quickly realized that was not what it was at all. She informed me she needed to call the other OB and would be back shortly. When she returned she informed me they were going to remove it and send it off for testing to see what we are dealing with. A quick visit to the doctor quickly turned into a full-blown procedure. She removed the lump and let me know they would be in touch in about two weeks with the results and we would go from there.

Just my luck and it doesn't end there..... I returned back to work and went about my day, expecting some pain when the numbing wore off. I went to the restroom to take care of my period which I also happened to be on and there was a lot of blood, too much blood. I quickly realized it was not just period blood so I called the office and they instructed me to come back in immediately. At this point keeping my emotions in check was nonexistent and I was done with everything. I was bleeding so bad there was blood all over the floor and bed by the time they came back into the room. She tried cauterizing the area again and it didn't stick so she had to numb me again and give me stitches. How the hell is this my life?!?

I've rested and processed today and am doing okay. My pap smear last February was still clean and normal so I'm trying to focus on that. The hardest part is if I am in that place again I can't just rush to have a baby and will have to accept that Eddie may be my only kid. I'm not hyper focusing on any one scenario but also being realistic with what may be coming my way. Either way I will handle it like I always do and keep moving forward. If i'm blessed and it's not cancerous than I will continue counting my blessings and if it is than I will fight like hell for the one person in this world who is my constant.

So if I'm distant or not really responsive there is a reason and don't take it personally. I'm just doing Haley's normal processing and taking care of myself and my son because nothing else matters but that. This is just another wave I get to ride that makes me a stronger person than I was before.

I can't think of a good enough photo to add to this so it's gonna be blank and writing, thanks for all the love and support.