Cross Road

It's been quite a bit since I've written, there is so much going on and my biggest goal this year was to be present as much as I can. I'll dive into a little update before I dive into the deep shit because things have been exciting and so incredible even on the day's breathing is hard.

I got another scholarship for school and it's $1,000 this time. Every time I want to run from Idaho and move somewhere else the Universe steps in and reminds me this is where we're meant to be right now. Eddie has a budget this year of $14,900 that covers a community social worker to take him out a few times during the week. It gives me a break and allows him to get into the community without the temptation of sticking by Mamma all the time. We started OT last week and I cannot wait for the skills and things it's going to help with. It does add a lot on my plate but I'd burn down the whole world for my kids.

Work is going amazing still and I absolutely love helping my patients and cannot wait to use my work for my own patients to know what medications work when I'm a therapist. I was able to push Ketamine to August even with the trauma work we're doing in therapy that will indeed continue into this next semester. I can handle it though, and that's a feeling I will never get used to.

I got the opportunity to be a guest on a podcast this week and I'm stoked for it to air (when it does I'll post the link). I will warn everyone that it dives deeper into my past trauma than most people can handle but it will also allow you to see why I am who I am.

Nobody tells you when you heal that the new version of yourself will fight with the old broken one. I started talking to Darren again in November and it's continued till last week. I hid it from almost everyone in my life; partly because I like having things that are just mine but also because I didn't have it in me to hear the shit talking. There has not been a second since he walked out that door two years ago that I haven't loved him with my whole soul and wished he'd magically love me the way I need to be loved. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know and fell right back in like no time had passed. The old Haley who seeks validation and love from everyone wants me to wait patiently till he gets his shit figured out; to save him. The new Haley who knows her worth and what she brings to the table wants to run. If he can't pick us and be 100% sure he wants a life with me then he doesn't get a chance with me but life isn't black and white like that. Especially not for women like me who will fight till I have nothing left to make it work. I want so badly for it to be him but a big part of me is telling me it's not. It's been a week tomorrow since we've spoken and any man who is okay not talking to me even a day isn't worth my time. So how do I convince myself to fully let go and walk away? How in the hell do I get over the little bit of hate I have for myself left that still makes me freeze and wonder if he's the best I'll ever get? Deep down I know that living in my dad's basement and raising my son alone can't be all that's in store for me. There is no way I survived everything that I talked about in the podcast and don’t get my happily ever after. If anyone knows how to convince my heart it's time to move on and stop loving him it would be much appreciated. Also, wouldn't advise starting to sleep with your ex and spending weekends with him till you know if it's going to work or not. What I can say is I have peace now and I know that I tried this time. When he left last time I beat myself up for not chasing him and begging him to talk to me and tell me what the hell was going on. Now that I've given it my everything if it ends here I’ll be okay.

It's wild seeing your worth and knowing what you should do but also having the old broken parts clinging to you like a virus. I am so proud of who I am and everything I accomplish every day. I never thought I'd live to be 30, let alone have everything I have right now. Today I got to cuddle my daughter and son, we laughed and they filled my soul and reminded me how grateful I am that not only am I here to breathe but also get the privilege of being their mom. They make me a better me and heal a part of that little girl who no one ever loved.

I'm finally feeling like I can start on the book again and write here more but school also starts in August so we shall see. Regardless I'm okay and that's the best gift I have ever gotten.