Closure Comes on a Random Tuesday Night

I've been single for two years in April and it ended like death does. No warning signs or indications a crash was coming. I've been on a few dates but ultimately I've just sat with myself. Every single time I've gone on a date my brain goes back to Darren. I was married to a man for three years and it wasn't this hard to walk away and move on and I think closure has a lot to do with it. I know why my husband became my ex-husband so it was easier to let go of. When someone you love walks away with no explanation it opens up a hole that is so dark even your original monsters don't want anything to do with it. I overthinked like I always do and with no information, I internalized it and made it about myself. It became about how I looked, who I was, and what I had done wrong. The typical Haley stuff........

Taking a long look at myself and healing has made me hyper-aware of myself and my actions. I went on a date last night and sat there enjoying myself but wishing it was Darren sitting in front of me and it dawned on me that until I can get through that I can't fully give myself to another person. So I took a deep breath and made a phone call and finally got my closure. It wasn't what I expected but I know deep down to my core it wasn't me now and I was finally given the truth. I am no longer questioning myself and the love I offer, and finally don't feel like he was able to walk away from us with ease and associate that with my worth. I know it went the way it went for a reason and the universe knew what it was doing, I just have to trust it even when it's hard. I don't regret loving him anymore and can admit I still do, with every fiber of my being. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them or fight for something that isn't healthy. We all have demons and sometimes two people's demons can't coincide.

So much has happened in the almost two years since losing him that needed to happen for us and it wouldn't have if he hadn't taken the first leap to walk away. I was never going to no matter what had happened. Not everyone is as lucky as me and gets the closer they need and it's a navigation you have to work through. 2024 is going to bring so many amazing things and today I'm extra grateful for the love I've experienced along with the heartbreak. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without it. Just like my tattoo says pain demands to be felt, but it's up to you what you do with that pain. I chose to get healthy and build my dream life. I hope everyone else also gets to that point in their journey. Happy holidays everyone, let's make 2024 one for the books 😘

The video was taken in March, 8 months ago when I was still struggling with how difficult everything was so cheers to another painful chapter ending 🥂