Blank Won't Win

This month I've been so angry. I'm mad that I was abused, that I didn't successfully go to school in my early twenties, that I'm doing this alone, and that school is extremely difficult for me. Ethics has been a challenge but I've managed so far and still have A, which is a miracle in itself. I don't want to fail again and not graduate. If I fail, all this extra time I took from Eddie will be for nothing, making me sick even thinking about it. My mom would not let us go to school so she could get away with the abuse; so I missed the fundamentals we all learn to build off of. I wonder how I ever graduated high school to be completely honest.

I'm irrationally angry at every woman out there who has a man that loves her. At all the women who get babies when my clock is ticking and I'm still sitting here doing it alone. I've done the work and the healing yet I'm alone still. I know the healing and growing will never stop but ultimately I'm the best I've ever been. I've spent the time to really face myself, all the dark parts of myself, and face them. To fix what can be fixed and what can't be fixed to know how to navigate it. Not many people can do this and so it's very intimidating to other people. I would never take back the work but dating is almost impossible with knowing what I deserve and no longer settling for the bare minimum.

I'm also thinking about changing my degree and if I do it will require a master's Degree and that doesn't mix well with another baby. The reality is I have a lot to work through still and now is the best time to do it. I know regardless of what decisions I make and where we end up it will be amazing. Just have to work through the anger and big feelings.

The semester is finally over and as of right now I have A's, so I will either end the semester with A's or B's and that is beyond amazing with me! I am so damn proud I finished this semester and made it to this point in my life. 2023 proved that I can indeed do hard things and that our life doesn't always have to be chaos. 31 is going to be a phenomenal year for me, I can feel it. My mind can keep trying to shut down but the new Haley won't let that ever be an option again.