Before the 27th Ketamine Infusion & After

I had therapy the week before Ketamine and boy was there a lot to unpack. We went over the memories and flashbacks and how they’ve set me back so much this month but also how I’m still managing. Went over coping mechanisms and ketamine. I know I’m kicking ass at everything on my plate but having a licensed professional tell you that it’s a lot and would be too much for even healthy people is a different kind of validation. Knowing that she will call me out when I need it but also cheer me on when I don’t cheer myself on is the kind of therapist I hope to be one day. She gives me coping skills and walks with me through the hard stuff but still calls me out when I try to control everything. She knows I associate fear and control together and can easily pull me back when I get like that. We start EMDR trauma work again over the summer and she’s not letting me have any control over that 😅 I can get through this and school even on the days when I don’t want to continue anything let alone the hard shit. We talked about when those flashbacks come up and the trauma needs attention to acknowledge little Haley and let her know she’s seen, heard and in just a little bit we’ll work through it all but we just have to get through these last couple weeks. I’m the best lover to others but terrible to myself and that includes acknowledging that little girl who actually lived through the trauma that’s coming up.

Trauma is wild and I’m grateful by the time school is done I’ll be an expert at it.

27th infusion done. When I first was coherent after the infusion I got really discouraged and frustrated. I’ve needed this infusion badly and I felt worse afterwards this time. I felt like my chest had a window where every single person could see my heartbreak and darkest parts. It almost sent me into a full-blown panic attack. I have to miss work for these infusions and if they don’t work I can’t go my 5-6 months in between them not to mention they are not cheap. My depression has been at a high-time low for the first time in a long time and I needed relief so badly. I’ll take it with strides and grace like I always do no matter what the outcome ends up being. The thing about ketamine is it’s not a quick fix. You have to have therapy and coping skills to back it up. You have to be aware of the environment you’re in days before and days after the infusion. As it heals the pathways really shitty things can come up and you have to face those. You have to be ready to approach yourself with grace in the times it doesn’t go the way you planned or wanted. I had a lot of trauma resurface before my infusion and that may be why I felt so exposed. All I know is that it was different so I need to be hyper-aware of my needs this next little bit and if I need an infusion sooner than later that’s okay. Either way, I’m kicking ass and becoming the best Haley possible. Ketamine saved my life and made it so I no longer wanted to die. It gave my son his mom back and gave me the push to fight when I can’t do it alone anymore.

A week ago today I had my 27th ketamine and leading up to it I had tanked big time. No matter how much fight I put forward lately I feel like I'm being shoved back further. I finally let the people closest to me know something I had been holding close to my chest and it blew up just the way I knew it would. I know it's because of the love the people hold for me but god dammit I wasn't prepared for the outcome even though I predicted it. All it's done is make me want to shut down and not let anyone in again. I love that others can't see a world where I don't get my happy ever after and another baby but what they don't realize is I'm not the girl who gets what she wants. I'm the girl who fixes the men so they can be everything I wanted for the next woman. I'm the one who forgives no matter how truly terrible you were to me. I see the excuses and will hold you with empathy and understand why things ended up the way they did. Things don't go my way or happen for me and I've accepted that. I just hope others also accept it one day.

I got the results of my Psychological testing back and I was given two more diagnoses..... They put into perspective why school is so hard but the doctor also determined that I'm disassociating 90% of the time so I need to fix that. I thought I wasn't living in survival mode anymore but I was wrong. The two diagnoses I was given are written expression disorder and mathematics disorder (Dyscalculia). Not quite sure what I can do to help these yet and am still learning about them. But, it made so much sense on so many things. Sadly, my past was as bad as it was that they weren't able to catch it sooner, but I know now and can do what I need to get my degree. Just means it's going to be hard like everything else.....

I scheduled a ketamine in July to be safe for when we start trauma work and I'm hoping the fight in between isn't as hard as it has been because I'm over it. I'm so tired and checked out. It's getting harder to not disassociate and want to fight for a better life. I feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life and navigating that while trying to be the best mom possible seems insane. I do all this work to love myself but still hate myself with such an intensity it could shatter my existence. I wish I could write and say that my life is phenomenal and I am great but that would be a lie, which is something I don't do. I know I'm blessed and do my gratitude daily but the darkness still seeps in like secondhand smoke from a cigarette. I know I have the most amazing kids and am blessed to be their mom but unfortunately, that doesn't make the darkness disappear.