Almost at 365 Days - 3-11-23

Well, it’s been a minute. I think of so many things and then bam it’s out of my head, not just because the nonexistent social media. Which has done wonders for me and my life, I highly recommend it. I’ve had so much time to focus on me and really dig deep into what and who I am. I’ve had time to really focus on Eddie and the life we are heading towards. We got his psychological testing done and we find out the results of that April 14th. It’s scary but also exciting to be able to be the best parent to him that I can be, but terrifying knowing something may be wrong with my baby. Now, to me he is perfect and always will be but the things other people can assume due to his diagnoses is what scares me.

For the most part I’m doing good, just focusing on me and what I need and deserve in life. Healing is almost harder than being in the throes of depression and ache though….It’s been a wild freaking ride and I don’t think I’ll ever be done learning and healing.

There’s this thing about healing that people don’t talk about….. I think when you heal you just automatically assume that you’re going to be better, and there becomes this stereotypical expectation of your going to be happy suddenly and consistently. I think with people who are healed, healing and overall changing/becoming better when things do get sad or dark you feel like all your work was for nothing. Like all that work you put in doesn’t mean anything at all and you’re failing. Then your brain plays tricks on you and convinces you that maybe you actually aren’t healed or better, and no matter how much you know what your brain is telling you isn’t true it feels so damn real. Healing is even harder than just sitting in my pain.

April 15th marks a year being single. The first year since being 18 that I pushed men aside and focused on me for a full 365 days. I think I’ve been in a weird place lately because I’m coming to my original deadline I set for myself of no dating and being single. I made it, which is a whole accomplishment, but deciding where I go from here is the big question. I’ve been considering extending it to June since I went on a few dates within the year before I had fully decided to cut it all out. June would also mark a full 6 months with no social media, just more time to focus on who I am and keep working towards my goals. I start school in August and that’s going to take a lot out of me. So, as you can tell, there are pros and cons to all the dates I’ve set out.

The ending of this journey has been rough, it’s like the end of a workout when you tired, and you just want to get some rest and stop the pain. But you don’t stop……. You fight and push harder and get to the end of the work out. There have been so many nights I was like it’s close enough I can start talking to guys again, but I realized the real strength is not giving into the loneliness and pain and focusing on the end goal. Standing up after the year and saying I made it even when I didn’t want to. That I allowed myself and my son to come above lust and loneliness.

So, I have decisions to make on if that door is one, I want to open or if I want to stick with where we’re at right now. Even when I decide it’s time to get back out there it will be the last thing on my priority list so if someone does come into the picture it’s because they want to be not because I was actively seeking and hoping for it.

Darren taught me a lot, and I was seeking anyone when I met him. I tried hard to ditch that man and he stuck around so a lot of the work I’ve been doing with my therapist is self-regulation, trust and a ton more. One of the big things I want to make sure isn’t an issue is when I do allow someone to be a part of my life that I am healed from everything that happened before. I want to be able to start fresh and not punish someone for Darren leaving or the cheating that happened with my Ex's. I want to be able to go into the relationship with the fully healed Haley and let what happens be strictly new and fresh. Any new person coming into my life deserves that and I deserve that kind of fresh start.