A moment of free time

I have a list of things I still need to do but I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and decided I deserve a bath with music and writing today. I wrote 4 essays on top of two other assignments and I killed them all on top of deep cleaning my house. Last time I was in Utah I came to the realization that I deserve and NEED to take more time for myself. If I don't I'm going to crash and be less successful so I'm starting with small steps; like doing a bath at night to wash all the bullshit off.

Last Thursday at my witchy store I got the honor of participating in a Samhain tattoo and tarot ceremony. I will not be able to put into words how amazing and accurate this experience was. I had no idea what tattoo I was getting or where it was going to be before I walked into the ceremony.... You fill out some information beforehand and then during the tattoo, you get a tarot reading and connect with your past ancestors. I won't go into too much of it because I typically keep my witchy side off my blog but honestly, it is a huge part of who I am now. Spells, manifestation, herbs, and all things witchy. I'm going to share three of the things that came up and keep the rest for myself.

The first one was self-care, which I've already been manifesting and creating space for. My friend who did the reading suggested putting 3 specific days on my calendar: 1) A day for just me to do something without anyone else with me 2) A day for just Eddie and me to spend quality time together and 3) A day with just me and friends. I am definitely going to do this; it's time I put my skills of planning and time management into effect to benefit myself and life.

The Second was babies...... She pulled a card then looked at me and said you want more kids, don't you? I said yes, but I refuse to have a baby in the same situation I had Eddie in and until I have that I will not be having any more children. She then proceeded to tell me it would happen one day just not in the way I picture in my head and ironically that hit home with my own feelings and dreams lately. Then she explained all of these things I'm manifesting (My vision board) are going to come in due time and I have to be patient as I would be waiting for a plant to bloom. If everything I wanted came all at once then my life would be done, I would have accomplished everything and that wouldn't leave much life to live.

The third was my past relationships. When we went over them I was holding my breath. She immediately brought up emotions like regret, what-ifs, and blame. Putting all of those situations on myself and holding all the negative energy surrounding it. She then went into letting go and that it wasn't an issue with me, it was on them. Every person contributes to relationships and she wasn't taking away from that but ultimately Darren's leaving had nothing to do with Eddie and me but within himself and the same to an extent with my ex-husband. Past relationships are a constant in my mind, even if they weren't good ones and not just romantic ones. Also, I need to cut a lot of old friends out of my life and get friends who will actually show up and be on the same level as me. I've picked bad and good friends and I have to accept that the ones who are no longer in my life had to pick that for themselves and I don't get a say in the matter. Just like in my early 20's If I had picked Weston over my navy guy when it came up then I'd be married with a very different life right now. But I let that guy slip out of my hands to hold on for my navy guy and then that didn't pan out. I don't know why I picked my Navy guy when Weston finally offered me everything I had been wanting but I did. I know it wasn't just my loyalty but it happened for a reason. The Navy guy and I reconnected and he's one of my best friends now. He gets me on a level most friends don't and he never doubts me. It's not sexual or romantic but simply just two people who understand that life is fucking hard and it's less terrible when honest people have your back.

The tattoo is on my calf and stands for these things: Amethyst is in honor of me and stands for a fun-loving, and carefree woman. Someone who deeply cares about the well-being and happiness of those close to me.

Cinnamon is for my growth and stands for Abundance, success, and manifestation.

Vertebrae is for the things I need to release: Insecurities and feelings of self-doubt.

Today marks 7 years clean of self-harm! Life is chaos in the most different ways but it's so amazing. I never in a million years thought I would be able to stop self-harming let alone for 7 years! It took a lot of dedication and drive. A lot of therapy to learn coping skills but also not wanting that to ever be something my son sees. I would be lying if I said the need for it doesn't still surface but it's very minimal, more like an itch. My ex-husband is actually the reason I stopped so I will forever be grateful for him for that. It is proof though, that no matter what the addiction is. No matter how bad the pain gets you can walk away and never again partake in that desire again. You can be stronger than the part of your brain that says you aren't worth shit and just give in. Because god dammit every single person in the world deserves the best.

I've beat sex trafficking, domestic violence, loss of children, abuse, rape, absent parents, backstabbing friends, and so many other things and it hasn't made me a hard or cruel person. I had to decide to get better and make a better life, that was a choice I had to make and a choice I have to continue to make so that I can get to that place I'm manifesting right now. It may not be the way you would or a way you think is the right way but I'm doing it the best way for Eddie and me and I will succeed.

Life is good and I am beyond grateful for every single moment I've lived. The painful ones and the really great ones. All of these things make it my life and no one else's. Keep fighting and be grateful for what you have; especially with the end of 2023 around the corner.