3-14-23

Well, the gates of writing are opening up again so that's nice. I was reminded how quick things can change from one second to the next. The whip lash never becomes something you are used to.

I've been struggling with my job and requests they made towards my personal life…..

First, I was working ridiculous amounts and exhausted constantly.

Second, they wanted me to put Eddie second to my job with them. News flash this kid has never came second to a damn thing. They wanted me to pull him from therapy because my unavailability was an inconvenience to them. They wanted me to stop doing my Ketamine every 6 months unless I moved it to Idaho which was an additional $250 dollars. I stood my ground and we had agreed on a new position where I wouldn’t be on call anymore and more availability for the things going on at home. Due to this agreement, I stopped looking for a new job and gave 100% to my new position (which came with a major pay cut) so that I could still benefit the company while being the best mom I could be. A month into me training a new girl they informed me after a conversation that was had that morning that I would indeed be on call still and 90% still in my previous position (In a meeting in front of everyone). So, I quit, yup I quit my job without having another job lined up. It was not the smartest thing to do but I refuse to put my child on the back burner for any kind of income. He didn’t choose to be born; I chose to have him. If that means me working two part time jobs to ensure he is taken care of I will do it, I will do what ever it takes to make sure he is okay.

Job hunting is going okay, I had a job interview today and I really hope I get this one. It would make being a mom so much easier, and I would excel so much in it. Not to mention it would go smooth with school coming up in a few months…. So, now I wait and see where my path goes next.

Job hunting has taught me how much this world disregards single parents though. The amount of turn downs I’ve had to make before even getting to an interview to make sure Eddie was taken care of is unbelievable. Be a mom, but not before you’re an employee. But than when you don't meet society expectations of a mom it's on you.... You can't do it all, it will eventually kill you. Single parents really don’t get the credit they deserve because this is hard. The sacrifices I make and will continue to make don’t matter to most people.

The depression has hit, getting out of bed once Eddie is at school is hard. I need a Ketamine infusion, but they are booked out till the first week of April and of course my ex is coming to town around than which requires my full supervision and all the energy I have. I’m sure I’ll figure it out tomorrow and just trust that the universe will deliver with what we need right now but this Fucking sucks. I know this is normal with the things happening in our life but, this week I just want to crawl in a hole and hide for a while.

Eddie is 5 in 38 days and that stings. How the hell is my baby this old but also how the hell did I let my life get so off track. I thought for sure I’d have another baby by now and I don’t, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have another one and that’s heavy on my heart.

Life sure is a Bitch…….. but now to be positive because no one has time for sadness and bull shit.

I picked my son over a situation that was only escalating.

I still get up and don’t let him see me when I get this dark, he just see’s his normal mom.

I am not beating myself up for feeling low because no one is high and happy all the time.

I am writing again and clearing up that writers block I had.

I am surviving in a world that has been against me from day 1 and that’s something to celebrate.

So, keep fighting everyone, fight for your worth and what you know is the right thing to do. Take chances because this hell of a life we live is way too short to play by all the rules. Everything works out the way it's supposed to.