25th Ketamine

Information can build or break you, and what you do with that information afterwards can determine even more. It's the building blocks to this wild life we live. Every single thing we do is information we received at some point. But occasionally we get information we would have been just fine without, mater of fact healthier without..

All of you know when I love I throw my whole self and soul into it. If I love you, you have all of me and will forever have someone by your side. I gave a man 8 month of my life and my whole soul. I gave him the healthiest Haley there has ever been and became a person I didn't know was buried deep inside. I was ready to be open to marriage again and to do it all again before it came crashing with no explanation. I finally got my reason and clarity and let me tell you I would have been better off without the knowledge. Sometimes answers to questions hurt worse than the unknown, don't push for information you don't want is what I learned. Also red flags are red flags, you aren't crazy for seeing them.

I had all the signs in front of me, my soul was trying to warn me that it wasn't okay anymore and I was about to crash hard. But I ignored it and convinced myself I was paranoid and anxious. It was his first time experiencing what Haley is like depressed and made every excuse I could because he was better than any man I had been with.......

STOP CONVINCING YOURSELF YOU ARE CRAZY. God I wish I had listened to myself and the warnings It was giving me. Turns out there was another woman the whole fucking time, and like every other time I knew. Deep down to my core I knew but I wanted to be loved and for once be enough. What was the most painful of all of it was I allowed my son to be pulled in the middle of it. I allowed my son to fall in love with a man who didn't love us he just wanted to prove he could "save" a girl. I let my son get burnt in the depths of it all and for that I will never not be angry.

It was like he had just left all over again but this time I had a different kind of grief. I was grieving all the memories I thought were real and true. The promises hurt even worse than they did before. It tanked me harder than I'd like to admit..... I didn't want to breathe let alone exist. I could only scrape enough energy to take care of Eddie and go to work. Nothing else was getting done and I felt like I was drowning in real life and in my own mind. I went from heart broken to angry as hell. Surviving became my norm again and I knew therapy wasn't going to be enough. I knew I couldn't allow myself to be that broken anymore.

Of course this hit the month I don't have insurance and am going to therapy less. The month when things were more stressful in all aspects of my life. I leaned into the pain and called my ketamine clinic. I'm glad Ketamine is more recognized and people are getting help but god dammit I miss being able to get in right away. I took the earliest appointment they had and just kept fighting with everything I had left in me. Luckily I got a call and got in earlier than that, so we rushed to Utah the 18th so I could get my infusion the next day.

Any person who battles with depression should get Ketamine. It will save you and flip you're whole life upside down in the best of ways. It's why I'm still here. The few times Eddie hasn't been enough to make me want to stay it takes over the fight for me till I'm ready to take over the reins again. It wipes all the baggage and pain away so I can finally be clear minded to be the best me.

My numbers were pretty high in the assessment which made the anxiousness higher to get it going. There's always something about knowing you aren't good but than seeing medical numbers backing it up is something else. I didn't sleep all day like normal and immediately felt balanced again. I woke up Saturday and my spark was back, my laugh and most importantly my full fight was restored. The lies were just lies that I put in the past because we deserve better and like my therapist pointed out I would have eventually left if he hadn't. I had been so close so many times because I wasn't sure if he was who was it for me. The thing about wanting to be someones world is it makes you put up with bull shit you wouldn't other wise and just because a person is better than the last doesn't mean it's not bad.

I'm back to having my cup full and rarely having those dark moments and if I do it isn't anything close to what I just had and I'm quite skilled at getting out of it.

Thank you ketamine for saving me and setting my brain straight again.

Thank you Eddie for always being my number one and pushing me to keep fighting for you. For constantly telling me I'm the best even though you may never know how much that saves me every day.

Thank you to my dad who supports us in ways he shouldn't have to with me being a grown adult. Thanks for stepping up and raising my son even though you are supposed to just be pappa.

Thank you for every single person in my life who make it a little brighter every day. For giving me a reason to smile.

I'm lucky to be alive and have Ketamine available when I tank. Keep fighting this wild life, it's a million times worth it.